The Home that Stayed (part 3)

Lately, I’ve been a little distant.

If you asked me how I’m doing, the answer would probably depend on the day. Sometimes I’d tell you I’m great and completely mean it. Other days, I might have to fight back tears before answering.

There’s nothing terribly wrong.

Life is just changing.

Two of my kids are moving out. New jobs, college, new homes, new beginnings. Things I raised them to do and things I am incredibly proud of them for.

I just thought this part of my life would look different.

I think I pictured someone beside me for these moments. Someone to notice the quieter house with me. Someone to build the next chapter with.

And maybe that’s part of what I’ve been realizing lately.

I’ve dated a little, but I’m not interested in dating just to date. I don’t want temporary attention or to fill someone’s empty space. I don’t want to rush intimacy with someone I barely know.

I want friendship first.

I want inside jokes and long conversations. I want to learn someone slowly and let them learn me. I want to know their heart before I hand them mine.

I don’t just want a marriage someday.

I want a husband.

I want the ordinary kind of love that probably doesn’t look exciting from the outside. Dinner together. Talking about our days. A kiss on the back of my neck while I’m cooking. Separate interests and a life we still come home to together.

I want someone who takes care of me in the ways I’ve spent so much of my life taking care of everyone else.

Someone who brushes my hair on the days I don’t feel well. Rubs my back just because. Steps in when I’m tired without needing to be asked.

Not because I need someone to save me.

I just finally believe I deserve to be cared for, too.

Even my house seems to be reflecting all of this.

Going through it is taking much longer than I expected. Rooms are half-finished. Things are still being sorted. There are projects everywhere.

But work is being done.

It just isn’t finished yet.

Neither am I.

And maybe neither one needs to be rushed.

There is still a whole life to live while you’re healing. Kids to love. Work to do. Places to go. People to laugh with. New memories to make.

So right now, I’m not trying to force the next chapter.

I’m getting through the days that are hard and fully living the ones that are good.

I’m learning what I want my home, my relationships, and my life to feel like from here.

And mostly?

I’m just being there for the people who are also there for me.

Maybe that’s enough for this season.

I don’t need to know exactly where life is going yet.

I just need to keep making room for the kind of life I hope finds me there.