Waves and Whispers

To love oneself seems to come in waves.

At least for me.

Some days I feel unstoppable—confident, bold, ready to take on the world. Other days… I feel the opposite. I pick myself apart, not just comparing myself to other people, but to old versions of me. And not in a healthy, “look how far I’ve come” kind of way.

Since being diagnosed with my autoimmune diseases, my relationship with my body has changed. I can’t work out the way I used to. I’ve gone from struggling to gain weight when I was too thin… to struggling with the 30+ pounds I’ve gained since. And I’ll be honest—seeing my body change like that was hard.

I used to work out six days a week. Can you imagine?! I had abs. I had strength. My body was a temple, and I treated her as such. I was in the best shape of my life. Not that it’s impossible to get there again—but the truth is, it’s a lot harder now. And if I’m being really honest with myself… I’m not sure I even want to get back to that exact place.

Because here’s the thing—my body has been through a lot. I’ve carried and birthed four children. I’ve fought through illnesses. I’ve healed from things that left invisible scars. She has carried me through every single season, and that counts for something.

Still, lately it’s been easier to nitpick. To feel like I’m not enough. People tell me I look fit, that I “look the part” for the work I do, and my first reaction is impostor syndrome—if only they knew how weak I feel compared to the past.

So, I’ve started a new practice.

Every morning, I point out one thing I love about my body now—at this weight, in this chapter. I compliment my smile. I get ready for me. I try to lead my day with a little more grace toward myself.

I know I’m not alone in this. So many of us are walking around with private battles against the reflection in the mirror. And sometimes when people say they want my body, I can’t help but think—you want a body that’s in pain and doesn’t work the way it used to? But it’s a reminder that we all see beauty differently… and that maybe I should be a little gentler with the way I see myself.

So here’s what I want you to remember:

If you’re struggling with how you feel about yourself, try to find the positives. Speak kindly to yourself—the way you would to someone you love. Don’t wait for those words to come from someone else. Give them to yourself first.

We aren’t perfect. And maybe… that’s exactly what makes us beautiful.