Two Worlds Collide

​Recently I went to Switzerland. I brought my ribbon skirt with me. I needed to. I didn’t even fully know why, I just knew I did.

On my last full day, I wore it.

And something in me felt… right. Not perfect. Not healed. Just… right for a second.

People asked about it as I walked thru the city and I shared what it meant. Where it came from. But what I didn’t say is that it wasn’t really about the skirt.

It was about me trying to understand myself.

Because I’m Native American—my dad’s side. That’s what I grew up in. That’s what I know.

And my mom is Scandinavian—Norwegian, Dutch, Swiss.

So to stand there… in Switzerland… wearing something that connects me to one side of who I am, while being surrounded by the other…

It did something to me.

In a good way. In a confusing way.

Like… I’m allowed to be all of this.

I don’t have to choose.

But also… I’m still figuring out what that even means. Even at 37yrs old. 

And that’s not the only place that’s happening.

Because my life right now feels like two completely different worlds that don’t fully make sense together.

There are people my age just starting life. Getting married. Having babies.

And then there’s me. I’ve done all that. Now, I’m trying to build something for myself… finally…while also watching my son get ready to leave.

He graduated and he turns 18 this year. 

And I knew this would happen. I’m not naive. I’ve said it before—kids grow up. That’s the goal.

But no one talks about what it actually feels like when it’s right in front of you.

How fast it hits.

How it doesn’t ask if you’re ready.

I blinked.

That’s it. That’s all it feels like.

I blinked and now I’m here.

And the hardest part?

I know my other boys aren’t far behind.

This isn’t just one moment.

It’s the beginning of a whole shift I can’t slow down.

And it’s not just that.

It’s everything happening at the same time.

My body going through changes.

Hormones all over the place.

Trying to figure out who I am outside of being needed every second of the day.

Trying to build a career while feeling like part of my purpose is… shifting.

And I hate even admitting that.

Because being their mom, their safe place, their go-to, the one they needed for everything…

That wasn’t just something I did.

That was who I was.

And now it’s changing.

Not gone. I know that.

But different enough that I feel it.

I don’t think I’m scared of them growing up…

I think I’m scared of who I am without being needed like that.

Because what do you do with all that space?

All that time.

All that love that used to have somewhere to go every second of the day.

And yeah, I’m proud.

I’m so proud of them.

Of who they’re becoming. Of the life they’re about to live.

But I’m also sitting here like…

what happens to me now?

I feel like I’m supposed to be stepping into this next chapter—my career, my purpose, all the things I’ve worked for…

and I am.

But at the same time, I feel like I’m losing something I don’t get back.

And that part hurts more than I thought it would.

Some days I’m fine.

Other days it hits me out of nowhere.

I’ll see something, or think about a memory, or realize how close we are to that next step… and it just… gets heavy.

And the truth is…

I’m excited.

And I’m scared.

And I feel lost sometimes.

And sometimes I feel completely okay.

All of it. At the same time.

Two worlds.

Who I’ve been.

And who I’m becoming.

And I don’t fully know how to stand in both yet.

So if you’re here too… feeling this and not really talking about it…

I get it.

I don’t have it figured out either.

I’m just… in it.